Yeah

So last week I was singing Psalm 13 for Elise.

This week I am singing it for myself.

The past 2 weeks have seen one of the biggest dips in my life for a while.  I think I hit rock bottom emotionally and spiritually yesterday, causing me to write the following post.

I think it’s time for me to lay low for a while, and prepare myself for Advent.  I would really hate it if Christmas came at a time when I’m in complete crap.

Please pray for me, if you care.  Cheers.

I will not blog until Christmas.  Hopefully that will give me an incentive to talk to real people (not that you guys aren’t real).

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Sometimes I wonder how stable I really am.  I wonder where my self-esteem really is.

Today was my day off, so I decided to go volunteer at New Media BC.

But throughout the whole day, I felt so lonely I wanted to kill myself.

I didn’t, of course, as that takes an actual reason.  And the point I am trying to make is that I have no reason to do anything.  I have been on auto-pilot for a while!

I remember back in May, June, and July, before I started working at Starbucks, I had basically killed myself – both spiritually and socially.

I slept everyday at 6am, and just stayed at home the rest of the time.  Watched all 3 seasons of Arrested Development.  Did some Bikram yoga with a friend.  That was about it.

Didn’t have a support group at church.  Didn’t have Campus for Christ. Didn’t even have a friend.

I’m glad I have a job now.  I am glad at least there are people around me now.

We talk about being born again Christians – I somehow doubt that I have died.

I don’t want to see anyone.  Don’t want to do anything.

That’s why I hate travelling.  Because I come face to face with this Ricky that I’m seeing right now.  I need to keep myself busy.

Footy in London

So I am starting to plan for my trip to London to visit my brother, either in March or April next year.  And I am thinking of a team to watch while I’m there.

First one that came to mind was West Ham, as they are sort of the crappier team (ie. Not Arsenal nor Chelski) in London, but then I am reminded that it was the Hammers who gave Becks a real tough time after WC98.  It was them Hammers that brought a good chunk of the abuse to my hero.  And it would be real hypocritical of me to go watch them, I think.

So now I’m thinking about going to see Tottenham.  But really, maybe I should see a lower league game instead?  Something like QPR?

The Prem has become a real farce these days, hasn’t it?

I am also wondering where I should go after/before.  Maybe somewhere in Scotland.  Maybe Barcelona.  Maybe somewhere east of London.  Somewhere close to the sea.

I am not too sure.

SHC

Today I went and visited 163 again and actually put in $20 on one of those pretty little Christmas SBUX cards and ordered a Salted Caramel Signature Hot Chocolate.

You know why I like the SCSHC?

Because it contains four ethically-sourced cocoas, bringing together a rich, complex flavor that is sure to please all chocolate lovers.  No wonder it is referred to as the sophisticated, cultured European cousin of the original Hot Chocolate.

Then the sea-salt on top extracts a completely different dimension out of the already soul-satisfying beverage.

Hmm……

Hmm…..

Hmmmmmmmmmmmm…………………

YUCK, IT’S SO FRICKING SWEET.  The Hazelnut syrup really shouldn’t be in there.

Give me Blenz’s White Hot Chocolate any day!  NOW THAT‘S SOME REAL HOT CHOCOLATE!!!

Back to Starbucks.

I have been visiting the one at Brentwood Mall every week now before my class at BCIT and I must say it has become my favourite store: at times they can have as many as 3 blonde baristas on the floor at the same time.

Now that’s great management.  Props to the store manager there.

A big part of the Starbucks experience is sustained by the partners being genuine and considerate, and they really showed it right there.

Bond in East Van

Honestly, this Organizational Behavior course at BCIT that I’m almost finishing now has officially become one of my top 5 courses ever.  The instructor is just so awesome.  So are the classmates.  I also learned a whole lot about working with women (as my group study consisted of me and 4 other women, 3 of which are moms).

And so, as I was excitedly driving home from class, I turned on some Saosin tunes and almost killed myself driving so fast.

And after reading a blogpost about how apparently East Van is so much more interesting than all the posh places I usually visit, my movie/music buddy and I have decided to go to this place this weekend for the Bond movie!

http://www.riotheatre.ca/

Let’s hope it’s good!

Big Churches

I have always been a bit “meh” when it came to big churches.

I always thought that their worship services must be real showy; that they are probably more about selling their name than Christ’s; that they seem to have the tendency to preach the prosperity gospel; that it would be difficult to find any sort of real community there; and that too many people would be able to come in and out without actually serving others.

But I have began thinking about the kind of things only big churches can do – ministries only big churches with an abundance of resources and manpower can tackle.

Which reminded me of a conversation I had with a buncha guys at UBC a couple of weeks ago.

Without getting too deep into our theologically-heavy, world-changing conversation, one of the guys there, who happened to be a youth leader at Willingdon Church (a big church here in Vancouver), offered me the deal of a lifetime.

He told me that for only a single payment of $25, he would personally allow me to attend the college/career meetings at Willingdon, where I would get introduced by him to a good number of young people.  And if you know your Stats, you’d know that where there are people, there must also be both males and females.

And that really hit me.

God-fearing, Christ-centred ladies.  Now that’s one resource a small Chinese Anglican church like my home church do not have (much of).

God bless the big churches.

Especially their smoke machines.  I would love it if we had a smoke machine during our worship times at church.

Psalm 13

As I started praying for Elise (refer to a couple of posts back if you want to know what happened) a couple of days ago, I was reminded of the song Psalm 13 (How Long O Lord) by Brian Doerksen:

How long O Lord will You forget me
How long O Lord will You look the other way
How long O Lord must I wrestle with my thoughts
And every day have such sorrow in my heart

Look on me and answer, O God my Father
Bring light to my darkness before they see me fall

But I trust in Your unfailing love
Yes my heart will rejoice
Still I sing of Your unfailing love
You have been good, You will be good to me

When I got to the last bit of the song (v. 5-6), I wept.

It’s beautiful, isn’t it.

This is the meaning of prayer.  Not that God answers our requests in a certain way, but that we come to the foot of the cross and see that amidst all our sufferings and despair and hopelessness, God is a faithful and loving God who has already long since conquered it all for us.

Yes, my heart will rejoice.

The battle is already won.

This has officially replaced “You Will Carry Me” by Mark Schultz as my go-to song for times of hardship, because I quite honestly think that Mark needs to pick a lower key for his song.

Burger king

At work this white dude was asking us to teach him how to write these Chinese words.  Mostly flirty words, like “you’re pretty”.

For the whole time I was thinking about Yellow Fever and being really disturbed about the increasing number of successful “Rice Kings” I see around Vancouver.

Don’t get me wrong, I have respect for them Rice Kings, but what I am distressed about is the lack of a counter-attack.

Where are the “Burger Kings”?

Where are you, my Asian brothers?

Why are we nowhere to be found on the roadmap of cross-cultural relationships?

I mourn for us.

It is with a heavy heart that I go before the Lord to pray tonight.

British

So as you know I go to an Anglican church, where there are a good number of creeds and what not that we read during our Sunday services.  And in order to amuse myself and keep the text fresh, I have began to read them with my British accent.  A very fake one, mind you.

But my mate tells me off.  Tells me that since I am not actually British, I am just being really silly.

How selfish of him.  Just because he was blessed enough to have been born and bred in the UK.  I tell him it’s all bollox, what he says to me.

I go to the Church of England.  I believe I have every right to speak English English.  BLEH!

On a different note, whenever I watch the England national football team, I always pray for them.  I know that they have a special place in God’s eyes.  Afterall they’re English.

Redheads 2

So it seems like my pursuit of knowledge, especially my curiosity in redheads, has left me hungry for more.

Last week I went to my Scottish friend’s Gaelic choir concert.

There I was not able to focus much, because 1) I am not exactly your typical choir fan 2) I do not know Gaelic 3) All of the members in the choir are at least 30 years old, average age being more like 60.

The thing is, as the conductor expressed early on in the concert, the Gaelic tunes are all about the writers reminiscing and longing for their home back in Scotland.  The songs all talk about their memories from back home, and the beauty of the mountains and pastures and waters.

The thing is, as my friend in geography would tell you, I am one of those transnationals who doesn’t exactly have a geographic home.  I am part Honger, part Canadian.  I don’t know where I’d long for.  I never exactly grew up in your typical home either.

Anyways, so because of all this, I spent the majority of the concert looking at the redhead in front of me.  I wondered for the longest time – how on earth do the parents get this redhead?  The dad has brown hair and the mom is a blonde.

How does it all work?

I never took Biology in high school.  And in university I took some first year Biol courses and barely got by.

I can’t say I have a clear understanding of how recessive genes work.

But I think I do.

Both of the parents must have been carrying a recessive gene.  And by chance their kid got both those genes.

Anyways, that was interesting.

My friend did an awesome “Amor Ti Vieta” as well.  Almost makes me lovesick listening to it.

completely speechless

I am left completely speechless.

There is this couple at my church. Great Christians. The husband is a great leader. The wife is a sweet lady.

She was pregnant with their baby. But some complications arose, and they had a miscarriage.

And to take a break from all that, they went on a cruise.

And the wife got into an accident. She has a head injury. Internal bleeding. In a coma. And now in critical condition.

I don’t know what else to say other than “How can this be happening?”

“You give and take away……”

Pray for her. Her name is Elise.