Angry with God

There’s a reason why all I’ve been blogging about over the past few months are white folks and blonde girls (to be fair I can’t remember the last time I talked about blonde girls, but whatever).

I’m quite thankful for the service tonight.  Throughout most of his sermon tonight on Exodus 17, our intern – also my friend – took the time to share some very, very personal experiences of when he was angry with God.

I figured that I am pretty much angry with God right now.  Like the Israelites, I am currently asking: “is the Lord amongst us or not?”

I think that’s it.  I think that hits the nail right on the head for me.

I have been so sick of Christianity.  I am so tired of the bubble we live in and the little principles we follow – be it consciously or not – that really have no place in our faith.  I am sick of praying packaged prayers.  You always hear us Evangelicals talking about our faith being about a relationship and not about a religion or a set of rules, but honestly: is that really what happens in our lives?  And what on earth does “a relationship” mean anyways?

This is exactly the same reason why I get really angry and want to shoot someone whenever I try doing the 40 days thing with Rick Warren’s Purpose Driven Life.  I am sick of all this Christianese and shallow understanding of this supposedly greatest truth I will ever discover!

I remember going out with this really artsy friend from C4C sharing our faith at the UBC SUB, and he shared this concept along the lines of “life is a journey for us to discover”.  At the time I thought it didn’t sound very Christianese, that it sounded a bit too liberal.  But now, I think he’s so right.  As Christians, we never take the time to process our thoughts and find out why we believe in the things we are “supposed to” believe in.  Everything is presented on the dinner table like a buffet at Uncle Willy’s.  We seldom discover anything for ourselves.

Last week the senior pastor at my church asked me out for lunch.  I hesitated at first, not knowing why he wanted to meet me.  I was afraid that he was gonna ask me to do something new at church.  It’s weird, having gone to my church for something like 8 years now, I have maybe met with my pastor only 3, 4 times, the last time being my meeting with him about Halifax Project ‘07 in early 2007.

Turns out he wanted to meet me because he knew I have been quite discouraged.  You see, after having invested almost every Saturday in the past 3-4 years into the youth at church, I have finally called it quits.  Our English pastoral staff decided that it was best that we dissolved our one and only high school youth group.  To be honest I felt so relieved.  I was so happy.  It meant that I finally had my weekends back – that I can now be a proper game-attending Whitecap, and that I no longer have to be a party pooper (I used to have to ask my friends to “book me” at least 2-3 weeks in advance), and that I no longer have to face disappointment every Saturday evening.

I mean I have been feeling so out of it, so stale, that I needed this girl that I could technically fancy (but I never did actually fancy her) to tell me that I am apparently very good at the piano to finally put in any thought into preparing my worship sets.

Join my pity party.

Anyways that’s enough self-pity.  So my pastor gave me some much-needed encouragement (since I thrive on positive reinforcement and words of affirmation).  He praised me for my loyalty, claiming that many youth leaders would have left the church many a days ago if they faced the same situation.  He asked me if I ever thought of leaving the church.  I honestly told him that I did, but I simply had no idea how to work it through.  I have always hated people who switched churches like switching King deals at Burger King.

If this is my home, then this is my home.  If I switched churches, if I ever got married I would want to switch wives too.  This has always been my rationale for staying at a place that has, quite honestly, made me quite miserable at times.

But I suppose it’s like supporting a football club that is never going to win anything.  You simply take joy from being able to stick through the thick and thin with the club.  Winning just becomes an extra bonus.

My pastor then started talking about him finally understanding the concept of discipleship – about the effectiveness of starting small, simple, genuine one-on-one relationships.  You’d think that as a C4Cer, I would’ve been so excited that I’d immediately jump in headfirst to help see this vision come through.  But with me being in the bad shape that I’m in – you know, being angry at God and discouraged and everything – all I felt was apathy. In fact, I think this is the most apathetic I have felt in a long while.  I remember in one of my journal entries from back in my first or second year at UBC – back in the time when I just bought into the whole Crusade thing (which really is the Jesus thing) – I wrote that my biggest fear was seeing myself becoming a fat, lazy, apathetic loser who just shows up at church and does absolutely jack squat.

Here I am, fitting into that exact mold.  Bleh.

In my defence, right now I just really wanna know that God is outside the 4 walls of this building called church.  I want to know that the Church really does actually mean the Body of Christ, and not merely this social group we meet in every week.  If I am sick of church, but not sick of God, then I want to be able to take this relationship I have with Him – my Father – and take it everywhere I go.  As a football fan.  As a person at work.  As a student.

My friend closed the sermon with The Gospel Song by Drew Jones and Bob Kauflin.  What simple words that capture what this thing is all about at the end of the day:

Holy God, in love, became

Perfect Man to bear my blame

On the cross He took my sin

By His death I live again

Anyways, I am apparently meeting up with “Not My Type” this coming Tuesday for a C4C staff support appointment.

It’s funny, the name “Not My Type” came about because on our way to Winter Con ‘07, I asked my friend to show me who the female Key Student Leader at this nearby uni was, as I have only heard of her but never met her in person.  But all my friend said in response was, “Ricky, she’s not your type”.

Well, we’ll see, won’t we?  If all goes well at this appointment maybe I will ask her to marry me or something.  Afterall I am turning 24 in a week.  It would be a good time to become engaged and all.

“I’d love to join your prayer list and support you financially, but would you like to kick it up notch and become my wife?  Might as well, you know?”

I think this pickup line is gonna work like a charm.

And if she rejects me, I could just say, “Ministry at [university name] is very tough.  You are going to need all the support you can get, including spousal support”.

Wow, I can’t wait!

Big Bros

So I stopped importing my blog to my Facebook profile, because I noticed that all the cool people don’t import theirs either.

The cool people keep separate lives – one on Facebook, one on their blog, one in real life, etc.

Anyways, today while on the bus I looked up and saw an advert by Big Brothers.

They have been on my mind for a while now, especially since Covenant House only take in volunteers over 26 years old.

At times I blame the fact that I am not the cool type (ie. don’t run around screaming things, don’t play the guitar, don’t snowboard, don’t have piercings, etc.), but it really has been hard trying to connect with the group of teenagers I help lead at church.

I just wish I could connect with them on a deeper level.  Even just a little.  Just that little bit.

Here’s Paul’s attitude towards the people he served, and these encouraging words continue to drive me:

“We loved you so much that we were delighted to share with you not only the gospel of God but our lives as well, because you had become so dear to us. Surely you remember, brothers, our toil and hardship; we worked night and day in order not to be a burden to anyone while we preached the gospel of God to you.”

Anyways, I think I really need to spend some time outside the four walls of “church”.  And since I don’t actually go to a church that has outreach ministries, I think this is my last year of commitment to church ministries, for now.  Something like Big Brothers is definitely the next thing on my list.

I just hope I get to hang out with a white kid.  Simply because I didn’t come here to the Western world until I was 11 years old, so I missed a whole 11 years of whitewashing goodness.  And I might be able to get some of that back by hanging out with a kid.  Who knows.

And as I am typing this up at Starbucks, I am amazed at how beautiful these baristas can make the whip cream on the top of my drinks.

I could never do it.

Friend tells me the trick is that right at the moment when you stop spurting whip cream, you dig the tip just that little bit into the cream, and then pull it right out.  That way you get that beautiful tip at the top.

Meh, I would’ve probably paid more attention to it if the customer was a pretty lady.

Lead me lead him

I think self-leadership is one of those skills/attributes/qualities that I am still totally lacking.

If you simply let me be, chances are I don’t think I would get anything done.

In the past month I have started meeting bi-weekly with my pastor, having him asking me some semi-confronting questions.  It gives me the chance to take a good look at myself.

I think that’s very important, especially since I have been given the privilege of leading a small group of teens at church.

I wonder about that sometimes – how I am actually given a leadership role – when I can’t even lead myself.

The comforting thing is that there IS someone leading me now, but that just isn’t good enough, is it?

Screwing up

How do you draw the line between our failures and “Maybe God has a different plan”?  So many times, we have a vision, a set of goals, but something goes wrong, things go off track, and most of the time what you get is “maybe God has a different plan”.

Or maybe we just totally missed the point and screwed up?

Ever since I was a young Christian I have already heard the saying that 20 percent of church folks do 80 percent of the work.  Something like that.  And you have to wonder why that is the case and what we can do about it.  Why should we accept this sad reality?

I think it is too convenient to simply say “oh the motivation has to come from the Spirit within the person” and leave it at that.  Don’t get me wrong, I agree with that, and yes, everything we do ought to be centred around the Gospel, gospel, gospel.  But we are also called to teach and disciple those around us.

I am learning quite a lot from my Organizational Behavior class and I wonder why they never teach those sorta stuff in churches (at least not mine).

There are so many factors when it comes to people working in organizations that I have totally neglected.

Happy Decisions

Yesterday was a crazy day. 

I talked to Eric Thurston from the Artizo group at St. John’s Shaughnessy.  Whether directly or indirectly, he basically challenged me to consider going into full-time ministry.  That was some real conviction there.  And it definitely was not a one-off kinda thing.  My conversation with this musician guy a couple of weeks ago pretty much challenged me similarly.  Decisions, decisions.  I think I am going to fast for 40 days about this.  With my accountability buddy.

I also did something that I think God, Mark Driscoll, and my “Shalomer” Tabitha would be proud of (I think she is, as I just e-mailed her)…and that is to be a man and do the right thing and take initiative! 

All the sitting on my bum asking “what if’s” just isn’t cool. 

Thanks to all the friends who spent the time to pray for me and listen to me =).  Honestly, it was amazing.  It was as if 50 pounds just got lifted off my chest.

And as a result of all this……I have decided that I am going to grow up and stop with the “finding a wife who’s blonde and has blue eyes and has a British accent” thing.  Because quite honestly, I have discovered that there are so many more awesomer things about that special one that go beyond that crap.

 10 A wife of noble character who can find?
       She is worth far more than rubies.

25 She is clothed with strength and dignity;
       she can laugh at the days to come.

 26 She speaks with wisdom,
       and faithful instruction is on her tongue.

 27 She watches over the affairs of her household
       and does not eat the bread of idleness.

 28 Her children arise and call her blessed;
       her husband also, and he praises her:

 29 “Many women do noble things,
       but you surpass them all.”

 30 Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting;
       but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised.